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Santa Fe, New Mexico, United States

Saturday, June 30, 2012

A New Age




I turned 55 a few weeks ago. I started taking Boniva for my osteoporosis, even found a chewable calcium/Vitamin D supplement I can endure. I cut my hair pixie style. I’ve taken myself off of Facebook. I was beginning to feel pretty spread out looking for “likes”...recognition…looking more for getting than giving.

I’m wanting more and more to have a simpler life, no drama, or at least less of it…at work and in my personal life. This birthday seems to have brought with it a stronger awareness of being in the second half of my life. I want more life and less work. That is to say, ensure I’m making time for extended periods of writing and getting out there in the world with my photography.

I continue to focus on my word of the year, “curiosity”, which seems to continually present itself on a daily basis. Curious about what’s going to happen in each next moment. Oh, I still ensure my bills are paid on time, walk the dog, feed the cats, but I’m also watching the amount of time I spend being negative, especially when I’ve always considered myself a positive, “glass half full” kind of gal. I had always seen this negativity as my practical nature; you know, the “reality” of things. And now I want to switch it all up…I know I’m going to argue with I. when he comes over tomorrow- switch- I love I. so much and I can see us getting along more and more. Work is so chaotic – switch- I am learning so much about newer ways of communicating and I feel respected, heard and “seen” by my boss. I wonder if D. will always be faithful to me- switch- I have the most amazing love-filled, respect-filled relationship ever.

Hopefully, you hear what I’m sharing and I’m not belaboring the point. This year, turning this age, has more to do with being in the present moment and not looking back or wondering what will happen in the future. My dad’s house finally sold after being on the market for a year; it feels like this was the pivotal moment that closed that book, the book on the first half of my life. Becoming the “orphan” has propelled me into a more solid sense of me than ever before. Who knows, it will probably take the rest of my life…the second part of my life to unfold it all, peel back all the layers.  I am so curious and filled with wonder at what these next decades will offer. 

I just finished Joan Didion’s latest book, “Blue Nights”; her memoir detailing the experiences around the loss of her daughter. She also takes a hard look at her own mortality. She has travelled in famous circles all her life and as she is looking at an image of Sophia Loren, who she discovers is her age, she thinks, “I am spellbound: Sophia Loren too is seventy-five years old. Sophia Loren is seventy-five years old and no one on that red carpet, to my knowledge, is yet suggesting that she is making an inadequate adjustment to aging. This entirely meaningless discovery floods me with restored hope, a revived sense of the possible.”
As I walk the walk of the wise woman/crone, I look first to the wisdom I can share/give to my own self.

To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work. ~ Mary Oliver


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